Tom Cruise Called Up As Prosecutor In Trump Scandal

Noted actor Tom Cruise has been asked to get ready for a reprise of his role in 1992's A Few Good

Men.  Cruise was reportedly surprised at the request saying, "I am just an actor and while I will indeed jump at the chance to serve my country in whatever way asked, I merely played a lawyer and am in no way qualified."  Officials close to the investigation told Cruise that did not matter and the final cross examination speech that he made famous in the award winning movie and play of 1992 fits very closely with how they plan to approach Donald Trump when and if he ever has to take the witness stand.

Jack Nicholson has also been asked to be a stand in for Trump during mock trials.  Nicholson was reportedly surprised at the request saying, "I am just an actor".

Sources are saying that President Trump may himself be looking at the movie as a way to build his defense.  Trump has reportedly said, "Col. Jessup [Nicholson's character] doesn't seem like a bad guy.  Let's see if we can hire him." The President had to be informed that Col. Jessup is a fictional character.  Staffers are, however, busy modifying the final monologue, changing key sections in little ways like altering the phrase "You want me on that wall.  You need me on that wall!" to "You want me to build that wall.  You need me to build that wall!!!"

Trump staffers are saying that the movie is a treasure trove of information for the fake news media.  Trump liked the strategy laid out by his defense team and tweeted a cut and pasted line from the movie to Robert Mueller and his investigating team.

  I run my unit how I run my unit. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast 300 yards from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous.

Sources say he toyed with the 4000 Cubans line, wanting to change it to "6 million illegals who voted against me...illegally.)

In a closed meeting on investigatory staff member is reported to have said, much like Cruise's character in the movie, " I think he wants to admit he made a command decision and be done with it."

Both Cruise and Nicholson have said they are ready, if needed but each actor noted that they are just actors and this real life case is a lot less believable than the movie.

Right Wing Friend From High School Shuts Down Democratic Party With Comey Tweet.

It proved to be a sad day for liberal lawmakers as Democrat Maxine Waters stood solemnly at the
podium to offer a brief statement before she stepped down and renounced the Democratic Party.  Complete transcripts are unavailable as most of her staff had quit after last night's tweet in reference to former Director of the FBI James Comey.

Right Wing Friends From High School to receive new presidential medal...

It seems that Republicans are touting an exchange that Comey had with Representative Hirono of Hawaii (where ousted former President Barack Obama claims to be from).  Below:

HIRONO: So if the Attorney General or senior officials at the Department of Justice opposes a specific investigation, can they halt that FBI investigation?

COMEY: In theory yes.

HIRONO: Has it happened?

COMEY: Not in my experience. Because it would be a big deal to tell the FBI to stop doing something that — without an appropriate purpose. I mean where oftentimes they give us opinions that we don’t see a case there and so you ought to stop investing resources in it. But I’m talking about a situation where we were told to stop something for a political reason, that would be a very big deal. It’s not happened in my experience.

Right wing friend from high school then posted the last paragraph on his Facebook page and this led to the collapse of the Democratic party and the liberal media elites, contending without comment, that this statement proves without a doubt that Donald Trump is innocent of everything ever.

Robert Mueller, newly appointed special council (we are now obligated to spell it "council" instead of "counsel") was quoted as saying that "...In my many years of service in the Marines, my time as a lawyer, litigator, and as Director of the FBI, I have never been so thoroughly "owned" as the kids say.  I hereby resign as independent COUNCIL."  With that and what appeared to be a tear in his eye, he walked away, flinging a stack of papers in the air.

Comey, when asked for comment, state simply, "You got me."

Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway stood, embracing, in the White House Press room where confetti and balloons dropped from the ceiling.  On the balloons were stamped the words "Suck it, bitches, ---DJT"

Legal scholars are bewildered at the simplicity of the post and how Right Wing Friend From High School was able to so adroitly state the case.

"The problem with our legal system is too many words.  What Right Wing Friend From High School was able to do was take a comment, REMOVE context entirely and brilliantly whittle the comment down to its base argument thus proving his point.  The legal community and the "elites" have been doing too much "reading" and attempting to get meaning from words.  This FEELS like a point and that being said, once you get to the point where something FEELS like what you want it say, can no longer argue." said one legal historian.

The fallout continues as Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the other justices on the Supreme Court make only sporadic public appearances.  We caught now former Justice Ginsburg sobbing on the steps of the Supreme Court building muttering incoherent phrases about a "wasted life" while Neil Gorsuch was spotted on a corner of Pennsylvania Avenue holding a sign that said "Will Judge For Food"

Right wing friend from high school could not be reached for comment.  Rumors abound and many are wondering how often he checks his Facebook account or if it is even his full time Facebook account or just one that he keeps so that he can make comments.  We will keep up with this story as developments unfold.